[Kallisti]

Everything's just clumping altogether horribly.

I quit my job with about a 50% chance of getting a new one.
I cut myself tonight for the first time in a year.
I've been looking desireously at suicide attempt -> hospitalization or maybe just getting rid of myself as a fix to these problems.

My girlfriend (doesn't know everything that's going on yet) but is Buddhist and puts every pain down to the delusion of believing in a self.

My parents are Catholic and want to send me to counseling with a priest (I want more psychotherapy not that again!).

I'm hating my body for every concievable reason. I feel and think as a girl and yet the hormones and anatomy of a male are just altogether distressing.

The memories of my abuse are making me completely scared of sexuality ...again. I'm scared of it and it brings me pain I thought I was able to get over.

I'm having an interview for a new job in two days.

And on top of everything else, my girlfriend is coming over in three days and I'm a miserable breakdown.

I don't know.
What the fnck do I do?
I see the world as nothing but a cold cruel machine.
No love.
I'm so sick (of everything).