Why can't I cry?
I haven't told anybody but I need to. I was sexually abused by my grandfather for 7 years of my life. He started when I was 7 so I had no idea what he was doing and I didnt say no. Every single time he would bribe me with things until I said yes and by the time I was old enough to understand what was happening I was already conditioned to say yes. Now I cant help but feel like it's my fault. If I had just said no he would have stopped. Why didnt I?
I sometimes feel so disconnected with what happened that I feel like it didnt happen or that it happened to somebody else. Other times I can still feel him and panic. Throughout this all the one thing that I cant seem to do ever is cry for myself. It's like the feelings are right there, wanting to be let out, but I can't. Anybody else I will cry at the drop of a hat but when it's me... I feel like I'm falling apart inside with no way to show it. What's worse is when I cant feel anything at all. I just feel empty and numb. I dont want to do anything and nothing holds my attention.