[yoyogirl]

Oh gosh, why is it so hard to get myself motivated these days, I am literally every trick I can think of to get myself in a good place where I can work on projects independently and I feel good. I am trying to get my self into a place where if I cannot go to the UCC for their reasons, I am not feeling rubbish about distance learning with another provider. I am learning from the mistakes from the Open University. But at least now I have those extra tools to help me and I have actually a slight difference in my approach to work. I actually get up at a decent hour and I make sure I am comfortable...a cozy armchair, phone on hold mode and notifications removed from the mac and no other distractions such as multiple appliances/stereos or the dog barking because he needs a pee.
I am also now at the stage where I am making a habit of writing down what I've gotta do rather than relying on my short term memory that's crap anyway. I am not using my brain as multiple storage devices either.
Some videos on youtube and memories of studying A-level psychology has helped me on my way.

I am also in a bit of weird place at the moment with my housing situation, my parents want to move far away Bury St Edmonds as the extension situation is no area financially it will cripple their finances. But what is stopping them is my brother and his girlfriend, they live two minutes away in the car and by moving away we are going to see them less.

But the issues I have got is that mentally and emotionally I left Bwood, I left it years ago when I felt like was an outsider and that never really had a place in town, that circle of people I knew and distant. Although I still live in the town, it doesn't feel like my home... no matter the groups I have been to, the activities I have done, all the countless social places I have visited... I have too pushed away. There is an only certain amount of bs I can take, But rather than thinking about too much. I have made my own activities. That makes me feel somewhat better. The feeling of going to these places just made me feel like was the "same old rubbish, in the same poxy town with the same people," not exactly engaging and either way I felt pushed out. Then that light at the end of the tunnel made me realise apart of my own personality was part of me the way I am. I wasn't a horrible person, I never caused fights arguments and I seriously doubt that being "anxious" or" "upset" was pushing them away and that actually I didn't. Like I don't sit there and be all depressing... I try and engage with people but sometimes we want that meaningful chat and not the everyday meaningless chitchat. I always realized that a part of my personality is that I am very solitary, I am a lone wolf practically, independence and prefer the feeling of being by myself. I remember a year ago exactly to the day, taking myself off to cinemas by myself and then going shopping when some idiot was trying to persuade me to go the beach with them.. I had had the best day of my life. I didn't need a group of people. I just told them I had the flu and headed into the opposite direction. I never had the urge to go and I never had the energy it was if socialising was draining me to death..
I have since found that I love bujo, (bullet journaling) and youtube, productivity hacks and listening to music, I also love writing, blogging and these all things that I missed doing while I was going to the groups that I didn't have the energy to do or desire. But since leaving them in March 2019 officially these hobbies and interests have picked up and have remained.

I didn't have the depressive feelings of "I wish had gone to such and such, I have no friends," I didn't have cycle of going to somewhere, feeling like an outsider, being turned away, forgotten and repeated the following week and the sense of over eating, believing that I was to blame, blaming myself. Perhaps if I had worn a nice top, did my make up, perhaps I said something wrong. I never felt I can be me