No problem, stellata, whenever you have time....
HighHopes; thank you so much. I did manage to start talking about it but you're right about saying the words being the hardest thing (I did take notes with me just in case). i know one of my brothers suffered big time for similar reasons (he used drugs/alcohol to work through it). that put me off them fortunately. i've never admitted to myself before it's had a devastating impact. admitting it to another person seemed almost impossible. instinctively i just cut off from the emotions. luckily my counsellor's good at asking questions; you're right about it creating something 2way. my feelings come & go in a split second; my mind shuts down.
sometimes watching her can be distracting, its a habit to obsess over what other people are thinking (then jumping to wrong conclusions). much of the time i couldnt look her in the eye; i think that would prevent me focusing. I do trust her & know she's helping. i was also able to tell her that i was finding it terribly uncomfortable & was afraid of being upset as it feels so new to me.
i looked at several other websites for depression, anxiety etc, it was only when i stumbled across this one that finally i could really admit that i was mistreated. it does feel really hard acknowledging it but i know i have to keep facing this massive dam of emotions because otherwise they will do me in.