it's just. It's so hard. So hard to have loved Christmas and everything about Christmas and then to have it make you so unbearably sad that you want to hate it. I want to skip it but I can't and it just hurts. I can still hear my sister's scream from when she found out and I was upstairs. I can tell you everything about that day and that night and the next 5 days. And I wore my pajamas that Christmas and I mostly napped in my room even with people over. And I still have the Christmas card that said love gram but was missing "and pappy" and it absolutely tore my heart out.
And you're right that he wouldn't want to see me hurting....but I can't get over this. He was the biggest father figure I had in my life for a long time and talked about it in counseling. It was like losing my dad. And even remembering the happy times hurts. I just miss him so much. And even though somewhere deep down I know what I'm doing is tearing me apart, I also know that it's the only thing holding me together right now.
And I would love to start the new year together and make it a better year. Because as much as I'm struggling and confused and lost and crazy....I am trying.