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Old 12-12-2011, 06:21 AM   #11
washedoutdreamer's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Pennsylvania [USA]
I am currently:

You didn't trigger me babe. Believe me you did not. I just....I hadn't been letting on how things were going with me because I needed to be there for you.
I'll try sweets. I'll try for you because I don't know if trying for me means much of anything anymore. Just this time of year is so damn hard for me. Christmas is supposed to be happy. The holidays are supposed to make you smile and be happy. But my pap died ten days before Christmas three years ago this Thursday. And I can't get it out of my head. I can replay that day over and over again and it doesn't hurt any less and I just want it to stop but I jcan't make it. And every stupid display and radio station and tv special is all about Christmas and I want to be happy but it just reminds me that he is gone. He's dead and he'll never see so many things I would have loved for him to see and it kills me. It absolutely rips my heart out and I feel like he would know what to do. He would know the right thing to say to make me feel safe and whole again and I'll never hear it because he's gone. And it just hurts so much and for whatever stupid reason this not problem that I'm wrapped up in makes it go away a little. It makes it a little bit less and I don't feel so much like I'm falling apart every second and I don't know what to do. I don't know how this counselor is supposed to help if I don't think I have a problem and I don't know how I'm supposed to think I have a problem when this is the one thing holding me together right now.
And I'm sorry for going on like this I just. I don't even know anymore. I love you and I'll try for you and you're right we need an apple date.
Sorry I'm such a mess.

Be Strong, Be Smart, Be Proud
Live Honorably and With Dignity
and Just Hold On....

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