Originally Posted by washedoutdreamer
And I know Jess. Xoxoox.
And I am seeing someone....I just haven't said anything yet because mostly I don't believe it's an issue...but I had a psych eval last week and because of that I have a feeling it's going to come up on Tuesday. I'm absolutely freaking out about it. Because maybe it's a good thing....but I run. And this being brought up on someone else's terms.....I might just run right out of the room. I just want to be tiny. I can't even figure out why, but it just feels so much safer.
That is great that you are seeing someone, although I know sometimes you would rather not bother with them. I can relate very much to your feelings of "it's not an issue", this is something that I am constantly battling with (it's like there is a war going on in my head- it can be so exhausting and frustrating). Part of you does see that this isn't exactly how things should be, so at least part of you thinks it's an issue. The ED has a way of quickly jumping in and rationalizing everything we do though, and yes it very much feels safe. It is comforting because we know it so well, it's familiar. You have to try and hold onto the part that says "well, maybe this is an issue". Even if it is just a small part of you, do your best to remind yourself of that rational voice when you feel yourself slipping.
Psych sessions can be so nerve racking, it is totally normal to feel like you are about to jump out of your skin and have thoughts of just getting out of there. Toward the end of my session last week I found myself wondering "What if I just got up and left right now?" I was so uncomfortable and just wanted out, I didn't want to talk any more. Of course, I stayed there. I knew it wasn't the best thing to bolt out of a session lol
My dear, I know I do not know you personally but I can say this... You deserve so much more and are beautiful. Nothing is worth the torment an ED put on us.