[Sharkgirl]

Alright. This is my first post on here so here goes:

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety. I have no other serious medical conditions and no history with epilepsy or asthma.

I have recently moved to a new city, to attend university. Everything was smooth for 3 months. Except that I was a little bit lonely and stressed when it came to meeting deadlines. In maybe late November I had what I can only describe as a panic attack in the library. I phoned my Mum anxious that I was going to die. She relaxed me and told me I would be fine. I went back to my flat and had a nap which fixed it. No more ill feeling. At least not to that degree. I still felt woozy at lectures but it never lead to anything.

Then on the 7th Dec I woke up at 5. I read for a little bit, then turned on the TV and made some breakfast. I didn't have much just cereal and coffee. Halfway through my show, I suddenly had a funny feeling in my stomach. I got up and something felt wrong. Really wrong. I ran to the bathroom where I immediately vomited. Usually I would have slept this off. But I was suddenly overcome with such dizziness, nausea and shakiness that I was sure I was dying. I kept calling my parents, my breathing shallow. They assured me I would be fine.

My flatmates brought me water and one of them very nicely got some support (uni guards) to sit with me and try and talk me out of the panic. I was too scared to sleep for fear I would slip away. I phoned the doctor and she told me I had a virus made worse by my anxiety. I phoned my Dad and he drove 2 hours down the road and stayed with me overnight, taking me home in the morning.

In the days that followed, I had multiple panic attacks. They were scary and made me feel like I was dying every time I had them. I spent the days in bed, eating little and unable to concentrate on the things I enjoyed. My only respite was sleep and even that frightened me in case I died in it.

We made a doctor's appointment and got blood tests. They all came back satisfactory. A second appointment had a doctor listen to my heart rate, check my oxygen levels and my neurological coordination. I passed each test. She was very understanding and told me it sounded like I needed to up my sertraline dosage to 150mg. She also prescribed me 40mg of propranolol. I was initially worried about side effects but the first propranolol worked like a charm the first time I took it. But the days afterwards I still felt anxious.

I've stopped shaking and my heart is beating fine but I still feel really dizzy even lying down. Very weak too. It's the weakness I'm scared of the most. It makes me think death is near. I'm just so scared that I'm dying nearly every hour I haven't left my house in days. I'm eating well again but I sometimes still feel nauseous. My ultimate fear is fainting and never waking up.

To make things worse, when I think of things that make me happy, my OCD tells me that I will forever associate the things I like with these scary thoughts and I will have a panic attack. I feel so trapped. I've been to three psychologists in my life. I've had 5 years of no anxiety and now this has hit. I'm on medication. I'm still frightened I'm dying or wasting away from the inside out, pointing to my dizziness and weakness as clues.

I've been told I'm healthy but I still feel ill. I had a worrisome Christmas when I should have been enjoying myself. I try to cry as a release but I'm worried that I will become weaker and bring on the dying process quicker. I worry about cancer, brain tumours, encephalitis, immune diseases, anaemia, even though none of these showed up in my blood test.

A symptom of OCD is that I seek reassurance. I might sound irrational during these times but in the moment it feels very real. I need some helpful advice and a kind word. Thank you.