Thank you both.
It went ok with my friend. She is well now and back to the friend I used to know so it was mostly nice to see her.
I'm generally getting anxious and upset over pretty much everything and anything and it's really draining and makes the world extra scary and tough to deal with. I've been upset or anxious about things like seeing a pregnant woman cross the road, a dog sitting on the train, broken buildings, fire damage, wind turbines...I could probably sit in an empty room and find something that would upset me or make me anxious. My brain brings up things when it can't find something external to freak out about anyway. The world is very overwhelming. I feel like I need everything to disappear. I need to disappear. It's hard to cope with all of this and I wish I had someone to turn to who could offer me comfort and support. I feel very vulnerable and alone.
People put on uniforms and go to work. People have skills. People have loved ones.
I am absolutely useless.
I don't ever want those life roles either. I need to be dead. I 100% don't want to even try to live when 'normal' pressures are placed on me. I can't cope with anything. I am a terrible partial human.
My body refuses to be damaged well enough no matter what form of self harm I use.
I am increasingly concerned about lack of resources. If I ever need the emergency services as a consequence of MH stuff they will hate me. There's something big that is stuck in my mind that would need emergency services support if I could push my pathetic self to do it. I have support but I can't access it other than when I have appointments. If only I could easily pick up the phone and talk to someone helpful.