When I was walking home my neighbour was outside her door with someone who was probably a carer. I saw her pointing me out and saying something to the carer. When I got to my house I said hi and my neighbour asked me if I had got rid of all my weeds because she had seen me and my support worker doing it. When we were doing the weeding she asked if I was looking for jobs and that she has loads of weeds in her garden and they've just put weed killer down but haven't got round to pulling them out. She's quite frail but her son and daughter and others visit her every day. I laughed and said I'm not really looking for any jobs. I think she said this to her carer today and it will have gone something like this:
"I asked her to do my weeding but she wouldn't. She barely even does anything for herself either, the council cut her grass and she doesn't work. Her neighbours at the other side sometimes do some gardening for her. She's young and so lazy."
It's all true. I am a lazy bitch who does nothing for myself or anyone else. I would help with my neighbours weeding but I was only out doing my own because my support worker was with me. I don't think any of my neighbours know that I don't do things that involve being directly outside my house unless I have someone with me because I'm so anxious about everyone looking at me. I don't think I'd be allowed support to go and weed my neighbour's garden. They all conclude that I'm just lazy and I don't know if I would be able to say that I'm so anxious around most people. But I am lazy anyway. I contribute nothing to the world and I just take everything. I really don't feel able to do much and I'm sorry and I'm useless. Someone needs to kill me because I'm just a drain on society. I need to sort myself out and do it myself. I am wholly pointless.