It's on a different wave length is all.
How part of me read it was that I had a RIGHT to be punished with being rejected and potentially sent away. That my father was right. He wasn't ill. He didn't hurt me. It didn't leave lasting effects, so that I read and hear and experience pretty much everything as abandonment. That I didn't nearly have a complete and utter breakdown last week when my job felt at risk, because of all the past echoes haunting me.
Except that I did.
And, personally, I believe that it IS wrong for a parent to threaten abandonment, whatever the reason. There are better and clearer and less potentially damaging ways of setting boundaries and exerting discipline as needed.
You know, at times I can hardly bear the echoes that haunt me from what my father said and did. It IS helpful to read others experiences. But my invalidation threshold is very low. Maybe I was wrong to post about something so vulnerable to me.
"Maybe I should 'get up to my room and stay there', keep silent.
Maybe I should 'go and spend the night in the shed'."
Translation - these experiences of mine HURT. My father was as a dictator. I was barely allowed to breathe, barely allowed to make a sound.
It is hard to find words now. But it always seems to go wrong when I speak up here.
I love my dad. My dad loves me. We've reconciled our past hurts. BUT the scars are still there, and they run deep.
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