Hello there, fellow indigo!
I can very much relate to everything you're saying. I'm the same age as you, I think and struggled to eat much as a child, and as a result was very skinny my whole life. Ever since I moved away from home and got a bit older, I've gained weight albeit not in an unhealthy way. I have recently relapsed as well due to a lot of things going wrong and feeling out of control.
It's really difficult to let go of the need for control, and the ED compulsions. Recovering by yourself is a struggle, but the first step to recovery is realising that you need to get better. I hope you can find healthy ways to cope in the future.
Have you ever been involved with mental health professionals?You shouldn't have to go through this alone. I know seeking support is hard, but it'll be worth it in the long run. I'm not sure how the health system works were you are, but I think your doctor/GP should be able to refer you to the right services. So the first step is going to the doctor.
Unfortunately eating disorders tend to leave like a ghost behind, so even when you're recovered, often there's still echoes of it. But having been recovered for a long time, it was good to see my own progress and even though I had intrusive thoughts, at the end of the day I would remember that I've fought them off, and that gave me strength.
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