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Old 17-05-2018, 05:33 AM   #1
infrared000
 
Join Date: May 2018
Hooked up w a guy 2yrs ago, now realizing it wasn't consensual

I'm a 19 year old queer trans man. Two years ago, I lived in a different state. Back then I used a certain gay hookup app a lot and lately I've been remembering specifics of a certain hookup I had, and in short, I discussed these details with my boyfriend and he and I agree that it sounds like rape.
Everything about it weirds me out. It bothers me that this happened two years ago and I haven't been able to process the events until now. I feel so stupid. I thought that I knew how to stay safe back then, I thought I knew when I was in danger, but apparently I really didn't. I guess I've just repressed the details until now. That night I talked to my boyfriend about it, everything just came rushing back and I haven't felt right since then. I just feel absent, like I go through the motions but my mind isn't grounded in reality. I feel spacey, empty, and just overall really depressed.
Basically what happened during the hookup was, I had a condom with me and told the guy it would be good if we used it, and he kind of ignored me. So no condom or lube was used at all. Needless to say, it hurt a lot. But before that, we were in the two front seats of his car, and I gave him head. That I was nervous about but okay with and sort of enjoyed. Then he put the seats down (as he did this I mentioned the condom) and I got really scared but I went with it anyway. He put it in me and I was trying to take it but I just couldn't, it hurt so bad. I told him to stop because it hurt. He did not stop until he was close to orgasm. Then he got on top of me and (excuse the language, I don't know how else to put it) ****ed my face until he came. He drove me back to my car and I went home, noticed I was bleeding. This terrified me. I took a shower, and forgot about it until we met again the week after. I think I just gave him oral, I can't really remember. It's just this interaction I remember everything about (at least now, I forgot about all of that until I told my bf two days ago).
The more I go over it in my mind, I know that it was rape. I feel so awful. Since me and my bf talked about it, I feel empty and broken and depressed and I just don't know how to heal from this and move on. I wish I had never remembered it, but I guess it's for the best, I would have eventually anyway.
So, I guess what I'm looking for is some advice. What is the next step I should take? I feel so lost. I don't want this to take control over my life. Thanks for reading, please, any advice or input is greatly appreciated.

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