[CaptainB2]

Thanks for the support everyone. Now for some updates. As for the one who’s passed away, there have been some online grieving sessions but unfortunately I feel so isolated for everyone to attend them. There will be a bigger celebration of her life once this pandemic has subsided. For the rest of the folks I know with the disease, the one who wasn’t doing so well is looking on the upward swing and the others are about to leave Quarantine. Things are looking up in that way.

Part of me is wrestling with so much guilt because I feel like I brought this on them. It’s karma for me. As a lot of you know, I’ve been suicidal for quite some time and with this pandemic I saw it as an opportunity for my life to end without me having to pull the trigger. I want to die, but I don’t have the courage to kill myself. I wanted this disease to do it for me and even made a thread on this board about it which I’ve since deleted because I realized how much I was upsetting people. I’m wrestling with so much guilt because I feel like I brought this on people I know . It’s karma for me. I can’t shake the feeling that I have brought this upon people I know now that it is karma for what I have said and done.

As for my every day life, what little joy I had was taken away for me, I had started seeing a therapist and most of you know how hard it was for me to even seek help like that. I had made plans for the future, a future I originally didn’t think I would have. I had lots of fun planned for the next few months and all of that has now been taken away from me. I gave up on life six months ago but was starting to get just a glimmer of hope until this all started. That’s why I prayed that this disease will take my life only it’s missed me it has hurt those around me. I feel terrible, like I don’t even deserve to live now. Not that I had any business being alive before.I want to die but I don’t have the courage to kill myself.

The one thing keeping me going is the fact that right now, as an essential worker, I am making a good amount of money. Maybe that will help me in the future? But nothing brings me joy nothing makes me smile I haven’t had a good day in such a long time. I don’t even know what happiness is anymore. Sometimes I tell people that I have good days but in reality I don’t have good days anymore I just have days that are less painful than others, tolerable days.
I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do this I’ve given my therapist a certain “deadline” as to when I may just finally have the courage to do what I feel is the right thing to do and that’s end my life.