time to address my disordered eating.
I have had many issues in the past with various addictive behaviours, but I have quit many of them...but I only replaced one with another, first I was a self-harmer, then an alcoholic, then a smoker and for the last two years I have dealt with disordered eating. but its difficult to explain, I went to my doctor about it once but he didn't understand.
It sounds ignorant but i have been soothing myself for a long time, telling myself that my eating habits aren't healthy but are the "least lethal" of all the addictions i have had.
Over these past two years i have tried to change my eating habits several times but i have failed.
I have been in utter denial about how bad it really is. It's embarrassing but sometimes i go through periods where i dont clean the house for days on end. I used to think i was lazy and beat myself up over it but now that i examined my eating habits i dont think ive been getting enough nutrition to give me the energy to do that. But i dont feel like the "typical" person to have this kind of problem. to tell you the truth i dont know what my problem is exactly.
I dont want to be skinny for the sake of being skinny and i never have done. I don't want to look like those photos of very gaunt looking women you see online.
My issue started with my gender dysphoria. Essentially, i thought that if i didnt have much fat i wouldnt have fat in any of the places i didnt want it. i just started testosterone last week. and i know that it will help me massively. I know that ill begin to see changes in my body that i want and hopefully then i can start eating healthily and lose weight in a healthy way.
I just want to clarify that i am very overweight and i dont want to just lose weight for the sake of it. But my relationship with my weight isnt healthy either.
When i quit alcohol and started eating lots of food i gained a lot of weight very quickly. But since that time my weight has fluctuated by several pounds depending on what my eating habits are.
I certainly can binge and i have binged many times before, but thats not really what i do on a daily basis.
I tend to restrict for long periods of time and then when my mind and body can no longer take it, i will end up eating unhealthy foods that i know will raise my blood sugar quickly but arent exactly satisfying. i tend to eat a lot of dairy as well, which would normally be fine but im lactose intolerant, and whilst im usually ok with cheeses (for some weird reason) other things like milk and chocolate and ice cream make me very ill and leave me in a lot of pain.
But for some reason i keep doing it to myself.
I feel very alone as ive never heard of someone like me, someone who has this issue of not eating, but then eating like crap/ aggravating a food allergy.
i dont purge and i dont binge usually. i dont know much about it but ive read up a little bit and the way binging is described doesnt describe me most of the time.
now i want to finally put an end to this addictive cycle, i think the fact im now on hormones will help, but i know theres work that i need to do. so i thought id reach out,
My plan for this week (and onwards) is just to try and make sure that i eat regularly. i dont want to pay much heed to being super healthy, i can worry about that some other time, but i just want to make sure im eating regularly, everyday. and build up from there.