Intense emotional pain
I woke up this morning feeling a hell of a lot worse than usual. I was suicidal as soon as I tried to get up and had to force myself to go to my psychology session. My psychologist was really concerned about me and phoned the extended hours service who I went to see and my CPN was there. They were going to admit me to a ward but the ward I usually go to has no beds and my CPN thought that admitting me to an unfamiliar ward would make me feel worse. They were still going to admit me though because I wasn't agreeing to having extra support in the community because everything seems hopeless and I just want to die but after them going on and on about it for an hour I got tired and just agreed to extra community support for a while. The thing is I'm not getting any relief from talking to people any more and that has been something that usually gets me through so I feel very hopeless about things ever changing and I can't cope with the emotional pain any more. Hospital eventually helps but my new psychiatrist says I can only be admitted for a couple of days to a week from now on because I was in August - November last year then January - February then April - May. Nothing ever stays ok when I get home.
I keep trying to hold on but then getting really strong bursts of wanting to kill myself because I can't cope. I'm told to phone NHS 24 if I need to but I'm terrified of using the phone now and there's no point because they would tell me to go to A&E to be assessed where I would probably just be sent home because I can't explain how bad I feel and there might not even be any hospital beds in Scotland I've been told. I can't keep living like this yet nothing ever changes no matter what I do because I can hardly achieve anything now. My CPN thinks it's good enough for me to achieve going to do some food shopping but that's not enough for me. I can't even get out of bed in the morning most days so that gets my day off to a bad start. I don't want to keep living like this. I guess I just wanted to write this down and hope for some replies although I've not really said much that warrants a reply I know. Thank you to anyone who reads this and replies.