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Zurg · 11-10-2010, 07:57 PM

　
I will now admit to something...... I will now admit to being a ****ing moron. You might sit and think "wtf???" right now but please hear me out.....

When my abusive boyfriend dumped me back when i was 21 my life started falling apart. Many of you have seen me go completely bonkers and in and out of hospital every month for a good few years. I have since then made a huge step in my recovery but i struggle with some things that go way back to that point in time where it all began to go wrong....

The boy who left me pointed out to me shortly before he ****ed off that i had a problematic relationship with alcohol. Yes, i drink. I already did back then some 8 years ago..... Which probably isn't that strange considering the physical and emotional violence i had to put up with every day. So when he ****ed off i started drinking big time. Over the years this progressed into an addiction, and addiction i am still battling. I am in alcohol counselling and i have a very nice counsellor that i really like. She says that these things take time to go away and most people need quite a bit of help in order to break the addiction. I would like to point out that i am not an alcoholic. I don't get sick from not drinking. I don't get physical abstinences but after a few days without i become restless. The stupid thing is that most of the times when i drink i don't actually get drunk... I just drink so the restlesness eases off.

But the thing is..... I wanna stop. I know i can lose weight if i stop drinking. And people clap their small hands and say "Bravo!!! That's a good incentive to stop!!!". HA!!!!! I have tried now for 2 months and it isn't easy at all. And i am getting too angry at myself and losing patience with myself. I feel like the biggest **** up of the century. Some people don't waste a single oppertunity to tell me that thousands of people stop each day so why should it be harder for me????? I usually tell them to piss off because i don't need guilt trips from people who don't have a clue what it's like.

I need something inorder to stop. The problem is that i have no clue whatsoever what it is i need. I tried antabuse. I drank anyway. I tried Campral ( a med to make the cravings lessen). I have given up on that. It's pointless and it's too expensive. I WANT to stop. But something inside me WANTS the alcohol more than it wants to go without. I try so hard to live well, i go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week, i am in the middle of changing my diet forever, i have cut down on coffee but there still is this craving within.

I have actually thought about going back on drugs because then i'd get the high but without the constant weight gain. I have considered starting sniffing funny things again, something i haven't done for more than 10 years since i broke free from my drug addiction. I am DESPERATE!!!!!!! And stupid. Because they all make it sound so easy. Yet i know from first hand experience that most of the clients at the alcohol counselling are people who need to come back time after time because they give in.

I'm tired. And i'm not getting younger. I don't wanna live the rest of my life in this bottomless pit of despair and destruction. It's not like i have that many years left to waste away on this (it's a long story.... I have a serious lung disease). I'm not gonna grow old and grey so i want to live the kind of life i feel would be best for the years that remain. I don't wanna die as an old overweight alcoholic.

WHY is it SO hard?????? Is it just me who is a spineless excuse of a human being????? Am i really as weak as some people paint me????? Do i just need to grow some balls and get over myself and my little pity party???? I need to know what i'm doing wrong. Maybe i'm just impatient. Maybe this goes deeper than what i think. I just need to know if i'm really as stupid and spineless as some people make me out to be....

11-10-2010, 07:57 PM	#1
Zurg Evil Emperor Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: The TARDIS I am currently:	Drinking and losing hope.... 　 I will now admit to something...... I will now admit to being a **ing moron. You might sit and think "wtf???" right now but please hear me out..... When my abusive boyfriend dumped me back when i was 21 my life started falling apart. Many of you have seen me go completely bonkers and in and out of hospital every month for a good few years. I have since then made a huge step in my recovery but i struggle with some things that go way back to that point in time where it all began to go wrong.... The boy who left me pointed out to me shortly before he ed off that i had a problematic relationship with alcohol. Yes, i drink. I already did back then some 8 years ago..... Which probably isn't that strange considering the physical and emotional violence i had to put up with every day. So when he ed off i started drinking big time. Over the years this progressed into an addiction, and addiction i am still battling. I am in alcohol counselling and i have a very nice counsellor that i really like. She says that these things take time to go away and most people need quite a bit of help in order to break the addiction. I would like to point out that i am not an alcoholic. I don't get sick from not drinking. I don't get physical abstinences but after a few days without i become restless. The stupid thing is that most of the times when i drink i don't actually get drunk... I just drink so the restlesness eases off. But the thing is..... I wanna stop. I know i can lose weight if i stop drinking. And people clap their small hands and say "Bravo!!! That's a good incentive to stop!!!". HA!!!!! I have tried now for 2 months and it isn't easy at all. And i am getting too angry at myself and losing patience with myself. I feel like the biggest ** up of the century. Some people don't waste a single oppertunity to tell me that thousands of people stop each day so why should it be harder for me????? I usually tell them to piss off because i don't need guilt trips from people who don't have a clue what it's like. I need something inorder to stop. The problem is that i have no clue whatsoever what it is i need. I tried antabuse. I drank anyway. I tried Campral ( a med to make the cravings lessen). I have given up on that. It's pointless and it's too expensive. I WANT to stop. But something inside me WANTS the alcohol more than it wants to go without. I try so hard to live well, i go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week, i am in the middle of changing my diet forever, i have cut down on coffee but there still is this craving within. I have actually thought about going back on drugs because then i'd get the high but without the constant weight gain. I have considered starting sniffing funny things again, something i haven't done for more than 10 years since i broke free from my drug addiction. I am DESPERATE!!!!!!! And stupid. Because they all make it sound so easy. Yet i know from first hand experience that most of the clients at the alcohol counselling are people who need to come back time after time because they give in. I'm tired. And i'm not getting younger. I don't wanna live the rest of my life in this bottomless pit of despair and destruction. It's not like i have that many years left to waste away on this (it's a long story.... I have a serious lung disease). I'm not gonna grow old and grey so i want to live the kind of life i feel would be best for the years that remain. I don't wanna die as an old overweight alcoholic. WHY is it SO hard?????? Is it just me who is a spineless excuse of a human being????? Am i really as weak as some people paint me????? Do i just need to grow some balls and get over myself and my little pity party???? I need to know what i'm doing wrong. Maybe i'm just impatient. Maybe this goes deeper than what i think. I just need to know if i'm really as stupid and spineless as some people make me out to be....