Thanks. With phone calls I usually just panic and hang up before I even give them a chance, probably due to a combination of things and also due just to habit. Because I hang up when I phone I don't usually phone my CPN because I wouldn't hang up if I got through to the CMHT, I only do it with crisis because for some reason that doesn't seem like it would be as much of a problem. So I suppose if I forced myself to dial the number for the CMHT and let it ring then I'd have to talk to someone and ask to speak to my CPN or leave a message for her. I'm uncomfortable with my voice and feel like it is amplified on the phone plus because I'm anxious on the phone I sound even worse. I worry about not knowing what to say or talking over people or there being loads of silences. I feel trapped in a conversation too and don't feel able to end it until the other person decides to end it and that can be exhausting and further anxiety provoking.
During the day I feel like I shouldn't phone my CPN because I'm relatively safe and she will be busy. She does always say at the end of appointments that I can phone her and she lets me know when she's off work. At night I feel like I shouldn't phone crisis because I will probably get through ok and other people might really need them. I also don't know what to say a lot of the time because some of them don't know me and whether they know me or not they usually end up having a general chat which I don't need. I don't feel able to let them know that it's not helpful and I need to talk about how I'm feeling. Well, there is guidance in place for when I phone but people don't seem to be following it. I can feel very unreal when I'm on the phone so don't feel totally in control of what I'm saying and it doesn't help that I'm easily exhausted and just continue to let them talk for as long as they want. If I could let them know of my needs it would maybe be easier to phone, but I did do that and that's how the written guidance was put in my notes but as I said people aren't following it.
I prefer to talk to my CPN because she knows me and responds in ways that are usually helpful and she knows if I phone I'm really struggling. I'm getting by though so that puts me off phoning my CPN even though it would be useful to be heard and for her to know some of the things that are going on since it's a while until my next appointment and there will be loads to mention then if I don't contact her before.
I don't remember ever having good self esteem. I can't imagine what it's like to allow positive thoughts about myself without following them up with physical or verbal abuse from myself.