Thank you both.
Supposedly in EUPD psychotic experiences are triggered by extreme stress/distress/anxiety/low mood/whatever and that's what my CPN keeps coming back to because we are certain that I do have EUPD. I'm sure I was reasonably well on one of the depots I was on before but I've always had to come off them because of either weight gain or high prolactin levels, or I've had a psych who doesn't believe in using medication for EUPD (plus I know the NICE guidelines say not to medicate too). I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety also but I don't know if anyone thinks they are still current diagnoses as everyone always focused on EUPD. I am on antidepressants though.
Thanks for your attempt at harsh and angry! What the psychiatrist said stuck with me because it was like he was saying that there was absolutely no way I could be having any kind of psychotic experience but I was trying to make him think I was, which wasn't true. That made me reject a lot of what other professionals said because I was scared to go with what they were saying because the previous psychiatrist would be angry and maybe think I was manipulating people into thinking I'm unwell.
I didn't make it to the meeting. :( I feel so unable to do a many things right now. I text someone who was going and she said it's really informal and you don't need to say anything but I just feel overwhelmed (that word again). I do feel like I battle so much inside myself and so much on the outside to appear normal and it's really hard to keep up with it so I avoid people when I can. I worry about what I might say or do if things get way too much. I also just feel like I can't handle the feelings inside myself when things get too much and I'm around people or worrying about pressure that might be put on me. I do hope that I will be able to do more in the future but that if I'm not able I won't be thrown into something. I don't trust people to understand when I'm not able to do things, although my CPN is very good with going at my pace. If I am thrown into something I can't cope with then I hope I will be able to kill myself.
I should try harder to phone the crisis team. If I use the plan that has been set up where I can end the call if it gets too much as long as I am safe then that should be more manageable but if I do talk to someone and I get to the point of wanting to end the call I never manage to let them know. I also feel exhausted and the thought of having to have a conversation with someone via any method that requires immediate back and forward communication puts me off. I will be having a visit from crisis for the next 4 weekends maybe, to try and help me with calling them since I'll get to know the new people and continue contact with the people I already know.