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Old 01-04-2017, 01:14 PM   #7
ignoring the cacophony
Eir's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Australia
I am currently:

It's not getting any easier. I use my breaks at work to sneak off and SH in the toilets. When I'm not thinking of self harm I'm running through suicide options. Only thing stopping me is if I **** it up I'll have ****ed up my grad position.
Would things be this bad if my grad position had of started in February like I'd expected it. Or if I hadn't left Liana's father. Maybe it's the night shift. Or the fact I went on a spending spree while I was in that episode, that I'm still paying for.
Reasons to live include provding a somewhat rational parent for the girl and the fact I'd probably wouldn't manage to succeed at suicide, thereby flushing 7 years of study down the toilet because I believe that my grad position would be ruined cos the position is at my local hospital.
I can't think of any other reasons.
I'm definitely as low as I was when I first was scheduled. Nearly 14 years later and I still feel I have no options. I can't make friends. Every little stuff up feels catastrophic.
I'm going to die alone, even if I don't kill myself

...I try to outsmart him, but somehow he knows,
Wherever I am, that f***ing dog goes... - Dog, Andy Bull

No matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer, or inflict. - Amenadiel, Lucifer

Why is the path unclear,
When we know hope is near
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear
~~Margo is my penguin 🐧!!! ~~

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