Have you ever done something for someone else, knowing it's gonna trigger you? That it's gonna **** you up six ways from Sunday, but you can't bring yourself to deny them.
I did this recently and now I'm a great big ball of shame, self loathing and confusion.
I'm thinking of self harm almost constantly. I can't shower right now cos I doubt I'd be able to resist. I keep thinking of ways to hide it. It's a good thing I'm living with my brother rather than on my own, or even with a friend, otherwise things may have happened and I think it would get out of hand if I was in that situation.
Trying to distraction myself with reading. Chose a ****** up fan fiction, and can't even bring myself to not finish it.
My finances are out of control. I'm stuck as an AIN until July. Hating myself for being interested in a coworker. Hating myself for wanting to hurt myself. Hating myself for not hurting myself.
I'm thinking I shouldn't see thirty one. Only when I remember that my birthday is soon. Otherwise it's just thinking of ways to hurt myself and "get away with it"
Can't bring myself to msg my counsellor for an appointment. Can't imagine trying to explain why I did what I did. Can't face the disappointment in me she would have. I figure I'm a bit unhinged even thinking she would be, cos logically I know she would just help me figure out how to deal with it. But I can't waste her time, I knew it was wrong for me, and did it anyway. That's not the action of someone who truly wants to get better.
Don't even know why I'm writing this. Probably just to get it out. Stop myself from doing what I desparately want to do, at least for a little while.
Gonna take one of my sleepers and hopefully only wake up for work. No more reading. No tempting shower. Just chemical unconsciousness.