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Old 20-07-2020, 04:34 AM   #1
kijam76's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
I am currently:
[possibly triggering] [relationship] What do I do next?

Its been soooo long since I've posted here. First off, let me apologize for this long rambling post.

It feels like an entire lifetime has passed me by since the last time I was here and struggling.

I got myself into therapy, out of an abusive relationship, onto medication (what feels like all of them that were available at the time), off drugs, off medication (medically supervised), lost my visa, moved internationally, graduated university remotely after 10 years, gotten a job and worked my way up the ladder, and finally managed to stop SI'ing.

I managed to make life difficult for myself because I never thought I was worth it, and in fact I still have a hard time believing that. Every other day I have that fleeting thought pop into my brain -- that thought of worthlessness and self hatred -- the very same thoughts that caused me to start harming myself in the first place.

Now I am faced with a difficult decision and I don't know what to do. My current relationship is dead, I believe. I have never been good with emotions, but we are now not only separated by distance (because of COVID) but also by our own issues. My inability to commit, her own mental illness. My enabling behavior, and her lack of desire to do anything about her situation.

For a long time now, I feel like we have just been friends with the occasional benefits, but passion has long since faded.

I want her to move on, I want myself to move on, but I also fear for her. I worry that she cannot support herself. I worry that she would end up homeless. I love her, but as a friend. I worry about her health.

I already had the first heart to heart with her today, telling her about me not seeing a future together, voicing all these fears and concerns, and I cannot help but feel like an utter piece of s**t for it.

Has anyone ever dealt with tough truths and, end of relationship type things? What should I do? If I break up with her now she will have nothing and no means of supporting herself, but on the other hand she would have to face reality and grow up a little bit. But also if I am her support line, then what would that imply?

I have also never known a healthy relationship. In the past I have always ended up in abusive relationships, or mutually self destructive ones, where I had to leave for my own safety and severed ties completely for my own good. But because of this, I'm not really sure how a normal relationship should work, or what a healthy breakup should look like. Is it possible to keep someone in your life but stop being in a relationship? What about her own health?

Does anyone have any mature advice to give? Sorry I just really don't know what to do.

Into my heart an air that kills
From yon far country blows:
What are those blue remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are those?
That is the land of lost content,
I see it shining plain,
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.
-- A.E. Housman --

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