Sweetpea, what happened to you was real. I'm sorry to say that, but it is. You are very valid in your feelings towards your dad & your confusion. I can relate to what you're saying, when I was abused as a kid, I loved the person who did that to me. That doesn't mean it didn't happen, or that it wasn't abuse, it's a form of manipulation in order for that person to get what they want. Its perfectly understandable to feel confused & still love & hate your Dad. I must point out though - Things can get better & you can be helped. There is light at the end of this very dark tunnel.Did you manage the shower? How is the doggy?
I still must urge you not to use what you've ordered, I know how tempting it is, for that temporary relief, but in the long term, it's not a solution. I wonder,as your CPN isn't in work, would it be possible for you to either call the duty worker or the out of hours GP? When I was unwell, & feeling like you did, I called the out of hours GP, she saw me, was very very understanding & then referred me onto the crisis team, do you think that would be an option for you right now? It of most importance you're safe. I know you're probably going to say 'But I need to look after Reuben', but darling, you're unsafe right now, really struggling & unwell & you need to put yourself first.
If you don't feel like calling someone, could you do some sewing? Finish off that bed cover? Snuggle up with Reuben in your bed & watch endless comedies?
I love you.
I'm here whenever.
x x x
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