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Old 01-07-2019, 03:04 AM   #1
Not telling someone that something they’re doing bothers you

Does anyone struggle with telling someone when something they're doing bothers you? Is it out of fear of conflict or something else? For example, if a friend bails on you because they found other plans they may have liked better or someone treats you a certain way compared to others that makes you feel like you're being treated unfairly? It can be anything someone does that bothers you, those are just a couple examples. I know I have trouble telling people when something is bothering me. Part of it is due to fear of conflict, but mainly it is due to me not wanting them to do something for me out of obligation. Like if a friend were to consistently bail out on me over plans they preferred better and it was to the point where I felt like a backup friend or just a friend out of boredom, I may not say anything.

The reason is because either that friend may get mad and may even call me clingy or they may hang out with me because they feel obligated to. I've had stuff like that happen in the past where a friend would bail on me consistently to the point of being disrespectful. In some extreme cases, I may have said something a little bit but in most cases I would keep quiet because the times I did say something, the person would get mad and even call me clingy even though it was proven that they were just using me as a back up friend all along.

Another reason is because as much as I wanted to let the person know what they were doing was wrong, I didn't want them to hang out with me out of obligation while wishing they were with someone else. They clearly wanted to be with someone else so I don't want to stop them from going. I just simply wanted them to know that I would like them to not treat me unfairly. Anytime I have asked someone to stop treating me in someway that was not fair or was rude, I did it nicely and would let them know I don't care if they hung out with other people, I just don't like having plans constantly be cancelled just because a better offer came along. Doing that so many times can make someone feel used.

The problem with this is that they would still get extremely mad and defensive. That's why usually I don't say anything. In most cases, I just keep it to myself and in some cases, even begin to pull away. Has anyone ever pulled away from someone rather than telling them what they're doing was bothering you? Do you think telling someone their behavior bothers you could accidentally make you look clingy? There is a difference between being clingy and just asking for someone to treat you better but I can see how doing so could give off the impression that you're clingy or dependent. Also, like I mentioned, it could make them feel obligated to hang out with you rather than hang out with people they really want to be with. They could easily wish they were elsewhere if they feel obligated to hang out with you and I don't want that to happen either. Just wondered what your thoughts were on this and how you handle this kind of stuff.

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