What will happen in the future?
Right now, I am trying to trust that everything will be okay. I am a vet- I joined RYL in 2005 while going to Uni in the UK. Currently I am in the US- going to Uni. I don't know any identity outside of being a student and living a semi- protected existence of a University bubble. I am definitely petrified about going back to my home country upon graduation next year. I am supposed to work here for a year- but without family support, I am afraid that I not only won't find a job, but that I won't manage to stay employed.
There are so many resources in the US, even if the MH system is screwy. I am bombarded with thoughts to come off my meds because they aren't available in my home country- or they are currently $100s of US dollars without insurance- which I qualify for in the US, but not my home country. In fact after August next year I won't have insurance again in the US either.
I am worried about what will happen to me without accessing RYL anymore. Without searching for support online. My family thinks these conversations make me ill. It is the same- thinking that I need to try to go it alone, without this type of support.
My "best" friends are married- some with kids- and have their own lives. I try to reach out but what we have in common is becoming less and less. I have a group of friends that I regularly email, but their responses come back really slowly, and I feel like I am holding up my and their end of the relationship.
I recently started to question my sexuality too. I have only ever been with the opposite cis-gender; but I had my first real same cis- gender crush last year, and I am confused. I also feel very drawn to the non-binary community. Back home, I am stuck in an abusive relationship with a man who doesn't care about me, doesn't respect me, and only uses me physically. I don't want to be that person. Or with that person.
I went through the RYL forum today, and realized there is a lot of rule breaking and people in need- but I just didn't feel strong enough to reach out or be discerning between my need to feel useful and my responsibilities as a member who is not a moderator. Right now I feel very present in my head and body, which makes every choice a harder one. I want to feel purposeful, even if my life cannot be filled with purpose.
My psychologist called me overweight, and then another day when I said I was going to experiment with sleeping less- that my current oversleeping was the experiment.....my point is he irks me more and more- but he is the devil I know.
I am trying to order my thoughts. I can't. Everything is falling apart.