Iíve Officially Given Up
I am who I am and itís time for me to stop pretending. Iím a screwup, Iím a failure, Iím a former drug addict who canít do anything right. Iím unloved but I deserve to be unloved. I just screwed up another potential relationship with a woman I would go to the end of the world for. Sheíll never know just how far I would go to make her happy as she walks away with another guy. Then again, I donít blame her. I kept pretending to be something better than I was around her and I think she saw through that.I never even got to tell her how I really felt about her. Iíve never felt this heartbroken and thatís really saying something coming for me and knowing my history!
Now, itís time to go back to doing the one at thing I was ever good at, self-destruction. Time to start drinking heavily again. Iím thinking of going back on drugs. Because at this point, why not?! Hell, thereís so many I never even tried before I got clean.
Time to stop worrying about nutritional health and eat and drink whatever I want. This isnít a suicide note. Iím not going to kill myself. But Iím also not going to take care of myself anymore and let nature run its course. Iím simply going to enjoy all the indulgences life has to offer with what little time I have left on this earth. Itís all I deserve. Itís all Iíve ever been good at. Iím doing the world a favor.
I simply canít take this pain anymore! Sure, you can tell me things will get better. Then inevitably Iíll be right back where I started. Iíll feel this pain again. I canít keep doing this. I canít keep repeating this pattern. I donít ever want to feel like I feel right now.
I recently went on a paranormal investigation with the girl Iím in pain over right now. Iíve seen and heard so much evidence... of a world beyond ours and Iím so tempted to leave this mortal world and join that one. Knowing that there is an afterlife makes dying that much more appealing. Iíll never have to worry about anything again.
But I promised people I wouldnít kill myself after being talked off the ledge four times in 2018. So self-destructive behavior it is and Iíll let nature take care of things for me