I'm so ****ing stupid
I have not been feeling bad enough for my tastes in the last few days.
And with that I don't mean that I was feeling well but that I wasn't feeling bad enough to be actually able to conquer it with self-destructive behaviour. When I feel like **** then I feel safe and I have strategies that help me deal with it - not exactly things that are good for me but at least I have something to occupy my mind with.
But when I'm in this state where I neither feel good nor bad, that's something I can't handle. I don't feel good enough to actually do something positive but not bad enough for compensating behaviours to work.
I was feeling like this all day, bored and restless and stressed and I wanted it to stop, so I decided to b/p even though I did not actually WANT to do it. I stuffed my oven with food and then went to the supermarket to buy chocolate stuff and diet coke, started eating on my way home, then ate all the other food before I had to stop. I felt so sick, I barely had to do anything to get it back up. But then nothing would come out anymore and I wasn't able to try harder. I just didn't want to. I don't want to throw up again but I can still feel all this stuff in my stomach and I can't bare that either. My whole room smells of food and it makes me feel sick and I have washed my hands several times and I still feel like there's vomit on it and my throat hurts like hell and I'm dizzy and I just feel like ****.
I don't know why I am doing this. I don't want to do this but I also don't want to not do this.