It's bad for me to be heard, to be acknowledged and understood. I don't deserve it. I can't have as much understanding now anyway since EUPD changing with age has made me mute. People only hear risky behaviours, my words mean nothing even though the feelings behind them are the same as when I was doing more risky things.
I can't keep myself occupied and it's distressing me. I keep hitting my head and making stupid noises. I want to cut but know it won't be good enough. I don't know what I can add to my life to occupy me because there's so much I don't feel able to do and I'm not interested in much. I have too much of a strict routine meaning I won't allow myself to go out in the evening. Even walking to the supermarket would be an ok way to pass time in the evening if I would allow myself. But that's a morning activity and then I'll worry about not having any reason to go out first thing in the morning and I need to be going out asap. I know I could do some shopping and leave some for the morning though. I worry that if I go out in the evening it will further mess up my sleep. Also it's dark and the men can be about and it makes me feel like I'm wandering rather than having a purpose for being out which makes me feel sad and alone and needing someone but not able to reach out.
I wish I was able to phone the informal crisis team. No one has reviewed my phone plan since they didn't turn up when they were supposed to maybe 3 weeks ago. It was because the worker who was going to come was off and she didn't pass the message on and I think she's forgotten about reviewing the plan now. There's no point in me phoning or talking to people face to face anyway, I can't express things enough and there's nothing that anyone can do for me. This is all just hugely hopeless.
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