The trouble with meaning well *suicide*
Iíve been good the past 3 years. Happy for the first time in many. Thereís a lot going on now. New job, getting married, huge living decision to be made also.
I havenít been right since December. I know Iíve been low level depressed since then. However itís the kind of depressed that you just get on with and accept because, after all, Iíve felt much Much worse.
Last few weeks have been bad. Really bad. No sh thoughts but strong suicidal thoughts. Stronger than most Iíve felt.
Only reason itís stop is my partner and the dog. I just canít do that to them.
She called the doc and made an appointment. I went and now Iím being referred to the mht again.
Iíve been free of mh services for just over 3 years now promising Iíd never return.
Friend said today to just focus on all the positive in my life. Friends who donít understand do that donít they. Just look on the bright side. Youíve GOT TO focus on the good stuff. You know itís just x or y.
Somehow itís the things like that that hurt most. They hurt because they make you feel like youíre a failure for not seeing the light. For not seeing itís just an email or just a conversation to have. Thereís nothing to be frightened of and so on.
Docs again in 20 mins. So low. So full of anxiety and weird paranoid thoughts.
No where else to say this.
Failing hard. Yet again