First binge in a long time
So I binged yesterday for the first time in literally years. I can't figure out why and I feel so terrible about it. Physically and emotionally. I at least didn't purge.
I've been losing weight and I'm very anxious about it so I'm wondering if this is a reaction to that and my dad's very ill and I have a LOT of feelings about that so maybe the binge was a reaction to the stress. But... I know other ways to deal with stress. And I don't understand why I kept eating after it hurt. I normally avoid food or eat light stuff when I'm stressed.
And boyfriend wasn't home and I'm better able to keep on the right side of things when he's around. Maybe it was a perfect storm of stress, self hate, and lack of audience. But even with all that, I've been in more stressful situations and haven't binged and whatnot. I'm normally able to do okay. And boyfriend doesn't know/understand exactly how bad I was before. Although I never fit enough of the clinical markers, my eating was disordered for years and even if I'd met the clinical markers, I never sought treatment - I just did it on my own. There were so many other things I needed to get a handle on that the eating thing just flew under the radar.
I just feel so lost and out of control and TIRED. I want someone to tell me it's okay, knowing what I did and how wasteful and gluttonous I was. That I won't gain a bunch of weight and that it's okay to look the way I do right now.