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Old 20-03-2019, 07:56 PM   #1198
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

I was really grateful to see my CPN today. She said she knew I wouldn't let myself reach one month self harm free which is quite funny because I genuinely thought I would make it so she knows me better than I do! I had written a small list and some of it mentioned the men and stuff. She asked what the corner protector is and said that the men seem to be around more when it's stormy. She asked if I wanted to talk about anything else or if I wanted her to put more importance on anything I had written but I said no because of the time I was taking up (she was late because there was an incident in the waiting area). I felt like she skimmed over the men and they are an important aspect of my life.

We spoke about the gym group and I mentioned someone talking to me about what was going on for her and how people seem to tell me things and I might be of no help but I hope they feel listened to. She asked if I feel listened to. I said she listens to me but I worry about when she'll move on and won't be my CPN any more. She asked if I can see myself ever not having a nurse and I said yes but that I'd be way more distressed. If I had no one I'd probably keep on breathing even though it would hurt more. Please don't leave me without support :( (I didn't say that to my CPN). She is off next week but said I shouldn't feel like I'm on my own because I can phone and speak to another CPN or I can phone duty and they will arrange to see me. I'm grateful the support is there. I don't know if I'd be brave enough to try and access it though.

I don't have any close supportive relationships in my personal life and that hurts and makes me feel sad and alone. Professionals don't stick around.

My CPN also mentioned a self esteem group that I went to and that is still running and was surprised at how long ago I had went to it, 2008. I'd be willing to give it another try but I don't think I'd properly engage with it. I dug out my letter that we had to write to ourselves at the end of the group for it to be posted to us. I remember how hard it was to write and how I just lied in small sentences. It's cringey to read.

I'm so, so tired. How much longer do I have to tolerate life?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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