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Old 09-02-2019, 09:37 AM   #1
Juella's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2014
I am currently:
Suicide appears just reasonable

I am at the point in my life when I dealt with professionals enough to know the drill of suicide prevention and know how to keep myself safe. But at this point question isn't really "how". It's more like "why keep myself safe?". I don't really see a point.

I am absolutely exhausted, all the time. I got to the point in life when I get home from work and all I can do is drop on the sofa and sleep for up to 12 hours. At least I'm convinced I'm sleeping, my boyfriend told me I sometimes just lay there with my eyes open, staring at nothing, and sometimes even hum to myself (and that it's super creepy). I don't remember anything about it, to me it's no different from being asleep, and I don't know if that's a weird way of sleeping or some other weird thing. I also don't know if I'm this exhausted just because I'm really depressed, or because something is off on a physical level. I suffered brain damage after an overdose, and was warned that I can't afford to skip on sleep or further damage would be done, but proceeded to ignore the warning for 5 months because of my job. My doctor hasn't been super useful, they suggested changing my diet (which changed nothing) and excercise (that actually made things worse to the point where I fell asleep at work).

I can't do anything that requires even a smidge of creativity, my mind is just blank with some vague mental pain in the background, and it has been like this for a year and a half now. It makes me feel dead, because I had an overactive imagination for as long as I can remember myself, and when it just completely stopped working it felt like I lost my soul.
I have no genuine empathy or sympathy anymore. I feel like a monster saying this, but I completely stopped genuinely caring about other people. The only genuine response my brain gives when I think about other people is "I'm tired of everyone, can everyone please, please go away, can I please pretend you all don't exist", and it drowns out any of my conscious attempts at understanding and helping. Hope it's brain damage, not my real personality.

I don't believe in God. I don't believe in some higher purpose that human life has. I am deeply disappointed and highly sceptical about basic human values such as trust, love or hope.
I think I am a living breathing example of what a human would be like if they got their soul sucked out of them.

Why keep such a sad sack of uselessness that I became safe? What's the point if I'm just an empty shell?

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