That's a really long time to have gone without injuring yourself - you should be really proud of yourself. You did a very courageous thing going into A&E to seek help when you felt you were at risk of giving into those urges. I know you have your CPN but what other support systems do you have in place right now, or what other treatment are you receiving? When you decided to quit self harm, what other coping resources did you learn to rely on instead? How have you been managing to cope without it in your life? I hope you recognize the importance of finding a positive coping mechanism in your life if you are trying not to self harm. You have to remember that, ultimately, self harm is a way of dealing with the feelings you're experiencing and unless you are able to replace it with something else, you will always fall back on this outlet. One of the best coping resources is, quite simply, a human being - someone you can open up to about how you feel, someone you can rely on and who will listen to you and offer you comfort and advice.
I encourage you to pick up the phone to your CPN. I know you're feeling low at the moment but that's exactly what she's there to help you with. Why are you so afraid of seeing her again? is it just general anxiety or, as you said, because you're worried she's annoyed you're feeling low again? You need to understand that your CPN probably works with a lot of different people with mental health problems and knows that you are bound to experience both ups and downs. If she thought you were recovered, and were never going to have difficulty in the future, she would have discharged you! The very fact that she is still working with you is because you are still in need of support and so she will expect these low moments to occur now and again. Perhaps if you were to answer those phone calls and confide in your CPN about what's been happening, she would be able to push you up the waiting list for counseling.
I understand your anxiety about having more pills in the house and your general reluctance to take more medication, but if your GP has prescribed it then I do encourage you to take their advice. Counseling is a much better form of treatment for depression in the long term - you're right - but the increase in your anti-depressants may just help to keep you afloat until it is available. It would help to take the sharpness off the intensity of what you're feeling right now until you're able to make more of a step toward recovery in counseling. Plus, if you're anxious about having the medication around because of the risk of taking an overdose, speak to your GP (or pharmacist) about putting you on a seven-day, as opposed to a 28-day, prescription. This will limit the number of tablets you have in your house at any one time, and I believe it is fairly common practice concerning patients at a high risk of suicide so I'm sure your GP would be happy to do this for you.
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