Joanna, I didn't mean to invalidate you and I'm sorry for that. I tried to be clear that I thought you should talk to people and to validate that you were struggling. I'll take that feedback on board for in the future when I respond to posts.
Further, my point in telling you that you have a lot of pages of threads was to show that you do have a lot of support. I'm also sorry you missed that point, as my intent was to provide you evidence that you have support, people who care, and are not alone.
I'll step away, but I really do sincerely hope you can get the help that you asked for and need. I can empathize with your situation, as I have been in similar situations myself, and I know that it is possible to get out of that cycle. That is what I was trying to offer support wise, but it does not sound as though that is a type of support you are looking for.