It's so hard to explain things to anyone offline. I have printed stuff from here before and showed it to my CPN but it doesn't feel like she really hears me. Words don't reflect the level of intensity of the experiences I have. I feel like my CPN doesn't hear me because when things are really terrible she doesn't sense the huge pain or danger I'm in. Because I say the same words, and I'm always suicidal to some degree so the words lose their power. My CPN does often acknowledge how much I struggle and I do feel heard then so I must be communicating something at least. When I was in hospital the ward manager said he had never seen me so agitated and I tried to explain how I was to my CPN but it had no real impact because she didn't see it happening. People tend to rely on what they can see and apart from me always fidgeting and rocking slightly I'm usually composed enough during appointments. Things can dampen down in appointments because I'm with someone getting support so I look mostly ok and then I'll leave and everything comes crashing down again and I wish I had managed to communicate better in the appointment. I am probably heard as much as an individual human can be, I know we can't totally understand the experiences of other people, but I just feel so alone and like it's my fault.
I think my support worker today will have taken away lots of positives because my positive actions are easier to explain than my distressed feelings. Plus I tend to say 'yeah I'll try x, y, z' even if I might actually not be able to do it. My CPN didn't phone me today and I'm guessing she's not going to phone me back and will just wait to see me at my appointment next week.
I'm really fine anyway. I'm not doing anything serious.