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Old 12-01-2020, 06:11 PM   #2038
The Shadow of the Day
one_step_closer's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Thank you.

When it's dark outside I feel trapped inside. Also I just feel more tired so can't focus on much which means there isn't a lot I can do to occupy myself and I get wound up and distressed. There can also sometimes be urges to wander especially when the weather is bad during the evening and I usually manage not to wander but that makes me feel guilty because I'm not doing anything to help the other world or the people in this world.

It felt kind of weird yesterday to hear my previous key worker say it's ok not to do more stuff/push myself if it's going to make me unwell. I always feel like I'm going to have to defend myself when talking about how little I manage. I don't know if she is more understanding than others or if it's just my fear that people want to push me. Life is about moving forward but I wish people would allow me to just do my best to manage life as it is. I didn't seem to have to defend myself about wanting a med review either but I do wonder if the other worker was judging me but just not saying anything. I think people think I'm a lazy fake but I battle so hard every day and wouldn't manage additional things on top of that. I am a waste of space.

I don't know if I'll be able to say much about how I've been when I see my support worker tomorrow. There are no words anyway, I could hardly describe things to crisis last night. No one will understand my pain because they aren't around to witness it. I don't know how I'd explain what my symptoms are if I was asked what I thought meds might be able to help with. If I can't communicate I will never be heard.

I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

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