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Old 25-05-2019, 02:08 AM   #1
activebrain's Avatar
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Ohio
I am currently:
Tired of being in pain *contains abuse*

This is the first time I've posted in this forum and I hope I can get some support. I've posted my bio in the self harm advice section so I don't want to get to detailed into everything but bottom line, all of my trauma history has led up to my suicidality and self harm ideation and actions. Today I'm really struggling with wanting to live at all. I just feel so lost and hopeless as I await admittance into a trauma Treatment Center. It feels like I've been waiting forever since I learned that I was accepted there. And now I just feel lost like I said waiting for whatever is supposed to happen and struggling to survive until then. I went for a walk this evening and wanted to keep on walking and never return. I have so many people in my life that I love though and don't want to hurt them and yet I'm so tired of hurting. I'm tired of my life I'm tired of bipolar and borderline personality disorder and my eating disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and depression and OCD and PTSD. I'm tired of being alive. It just feels so pointless. I know why I need to stay alive and it still feels impossible. I'm so tired of everything hurting emotionally. I told my therapist today that I would much prefer to have physical problems then emotional ones because then I wouldn't feel like it's my fault and like I'm such a failure. I feel like I'm always crying and always in a mess and completely defective. I know logically that none of these things are my fault and that they're actually both of my parents' fault, and I still feel that everything I do is wrong because of the messages they both always gave me. So I just feel like such a waste of life even though I have friends who are so loving and supportive. And they also just don't get it. They've never experienced things like I have and so they don't completely understand. My life is a chaotic mess and I'm really struggling to want to continue. I feel I'm in crisis every second of my life and I really wish something could come along and help me. I'm so frustrated with myself and feel so alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to get in to see my psychiatrist to see if a med change could happen and he's totally booked for the next 4 weeks. I'm on their cancellation list meaning if someone cancels they'll get me in and that's highly unlikely. So I just keep on floating through life having flashbacks fighting my eating disorder and fighting self-harm urges and feeling like it's a complete waste. Why can't I just give in and be done with it?

I am still me no matter what SIZEor shape I am!

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