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Old 03-04-2009, 12:14 PM   #2
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Middle Earth
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Katy/Miss Pixie 's biography.

I was 17 when I decided it was time to recover, I had lost everything all my friends, my health was so bad I could barely function. I can remember the exact moment when I realised I had to change. That morning I was told that my chances of being capable of having children were disappearing fast. I was in an art lesson trying to build a sculpture and I ended up going home because I couldn't even stand and move my arms around because I just didn't have the energy. I felt awful and I had known for a long time it was down to me to change things.

I had a worker from CAMHS since I had been in adolescent unit when I was 16. I had a horrible experience in the same unit I saw so many of my friends recover in but for me it wasn't what I needed because of the way I treated in there and because I wasn't ready to recover after I was discharged I quickly dropped the weight. I was referred to CAMHS after many admissions to a&e where I met my worker who at the time I hated but looking back I know she was really trying to what was best for me.

I agreed with her if I stuck to a meal plan and let her monitor my weight then we wouldn't talk about food at all because having other people interfering in what seemed like my only bit of control over my life was too difficult. I stuck rigorously to my meal plan and controlled every little aspect of it so I felt I still had control of what was going into my body but I was slowly gaining weight. The first fourth months were the hardest I had trouble swallowing food because it triggered flashbacks and I hated seeing my body changing and not being able to control what it looked like. I would have days where I just wanted to give up but I just kept telling myself it was my body and I could control it and make myself healthy again.

Only a few weeks in I noticed a huge difference in the amount of energy I had, it didn't last long unless I stuck to the meal plan and ate regularly but when I did I felt amazing for it. It took a long time and a lot of hard work and frustration and for months after I reached a healthy weight I still hated my body. But then I started to notice little things I quite liked, I wrote down a list of things I liked and kept it with me so every time I thought about purging or restricting I could remember why I was doing this.

Now I am fully recovered, and I can honestly say my body isn't half bad! For a start I have boobs!! I can fill my tops and look good in them. I have very long legs and they look much nicer without the bones. I have naturally wide hips which is partially because I have a developmental disorder of the hips. I know I can't change that but I can find nice clothes that really flatter my shape. Like any normal person I have things about myself I don't like but no one is perfect! I don't want to look like a clone. I am me, individual, unique!

More importantly I enjoy food, I really did miss out in all that time I was restricting. There are so many things I enjoy and yeah I know it's not healthy to eat some things all the time even though I would quite like to!
I can do whatever I want without being immediately exhausted, I can go shopping and not have to come home after being in one shop! I still struggle with the fact I can't exercise any more because when it wasn't a chore that had to be done I did enjoy it but because of my problems with my legs it isn't possible to do a lot of exercise but I can accept that now and not put myself through agonising pain just to do exercises that were terrible for my health in more ways than one. My hair has all grown back and looks much healthier, no more bald patches!

Recovering was one of the best things I ever did and I wish I had got help before it ever got as far as it did because I think it would have been much easier to recover had I done.

Last edited by [Purple_Rain] : 03-04-2009 at 12:20 PM.

"I would be almighty in my own world of art, even if I had to paint my pictures with my wet tongue on the dusty floor of my cell." -Picasso
"No, painting is not done to decorate apartments. It is an instrument of war." - Picasso

'I have scars becuase I have a past; but they, like my past, do not define my future'

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