Im sorry everything is so hard right now, and that you are struggling with it all.
When you are feeling suicidal, although it is hard, it is best to talk to as many people as you can, like friends or family as well as professionals? I know you said your relationships are a bit strained atm, but opening up can really help to keep you safe. Talking the feelings out can even help you understand them a bit more.
Take care. x