Hi Matt,
You may or may not remember me - I'm Amy, I was around a *long* time ago (previously ToLiveIsToLoveThePain).
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling again. You're right - it is particularly hard if you're known as 'the helper' particularly because people don't always support you in the way you have supported them and certainly for me this leads to lots of self-critical thought and questions about myself. But its important to see that for what it is - their stuff. Like you said, whether the role change just freaks them out, or whether they feel really unsure what to say or whatever the reason, it doesn't mean anything about you, or even about how much they care.
What it does do though is leave you unsupported. Which is ****. And does hurt. But try not to close down, there are people who want to help, who have shared experience of mental health problems, who have some idea of how desperately awful you feel.
Of course its difficult to believe the good stuff people say right now; for me when I get low something like the opposite of rose tinted glasses sets up camp in my brain - like a grey filter - everything is negative, no one means the good stuff, or they're really saying something else, or I'm a dreadfully **** person but they're just being polite people trying to spare my feelings.
It is no wonder you feel stuck and have thoughts of escape, but try to stick in there long enough to get some help. I think making yourself a referral and getting some support is a great idea - though I know you won't be able to hear this right now - you deserve for things to be better than this, no one deserves misery.
When do you think you can get to some support? How can you get there? Do you need to take a supportive person with you? Focus on the practicalities, make it as easy on yourself as you can, one baby step at a time, towards feeling different than this.
Keeping you in my thoughts - keep us posted x
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