Thanks for your reply Kat.
I don't have anyone who can come to an appointment with me, my brother is the only living relative who 'knows' me but I don't tell him much about what I'm going through. I have one close-ish friend but she's not very supportive. My psychologist was very good for being on my side and trying to get me help but my sessions with him have ended and I've to wait at least 3 months before I can possibly be referred to psychology again. He said he'd write a report and would include my proposal for admission to hospital every 2 months and if this is not agreed on he wants the team to be very clear about why it's not possible. I do think that having regular short admissions could provide me with respite but I can see me having to fight for it and probably not allowed it. Plus there are always going to be times in between where I find it hard to cope at home and I'll have to stay at home.
I actually just don't have a clue what things would look like if they were better. There's nothing bad about my life just my illnesses making me feel awful the majority of the time. This chronic emotional pain is hard to deal with. I don't like not having much to do with my days but I also hate having lots to do and don't know how I'd cope with work. It's not easy to quit a job quickly if it isn't working out and I quit most of the things I try because I can't cope. I'm quite weak when it comes to dealing with anxiety and I avoid almost everything that might cause me to be anxious. I feel like I want more people in my life but at the same time it's so draining to be around people. I hate being alive but I'd settle for this if my brother was ok, I struggle a lot to deal with how he might be feeling, especially as I know some of it has to do with how I have treated him. I can't imagine really what he's going through because my emotions are so extreme and I don't know what it's like to have a milder version of these emotions. I worry so much that he actually feels bad things to the extent that I do.
I went out to buy something to overdose on but the local shops didn't have anything I felt confident that I could swallow so I ended up just buying sweets. I'd rather be full of tablets right now than sweets. If I can find the courage I will phone my CPN tomorrow but I'm pretty sure she won't be able to offer me anything.