I've slipped .... I let one of my closest friends in on my plan to kill myself before that horrible day (christmas). I thought it would be the best gift that I could give my family ... never having to deal with me and my bullsh*t again. That's all that families want right ?? To rid themselves of the "black sheep". Now I feel worse than ever because I let someone in on it. I shouldn't have ... I shouldn't have dragged someone else down into the abyss with me. Aaaaagggghhh.
I saw my doctor this morning. He doesn't want to change my meds right at this point and I'm not particularly surprised. See, this is his last week at work for a month - they close down over the festive season (or should that be the festy season ??) - and he doesn't want to risk me having a medication change when he won't be around to help out if things go incredibly haywire ... which they do tend to do with me.
I feel huge at the moment. I've been putting on weight all day. I'm hoping that it's not from this damn cold that I've got. I ache all over and feel like I can't exercise and it's driving me absolutely nuts. It hurts so much to breathe that I am starting to think that maybe I shouldn't bother breathing anymore. I'm still smoking like a chimney though ... which you would think I wouldn't, especially as I'm an asthmatic. I guess I'm just a stupid, fat, ugly whore.
Some days I just want to rip my head off so badly.
Sorry if anyone read this .... I'm just not coping and I don't really have anywhere I can speak plainly in real life. I'm so sorry.
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