You're right, getting clean is something only you can choose to do, nobody else can force you to stop or get help if you don't want it. And it wouldn't work for you even if they did.
Hun, you are strong, you know what you want. I hope you do go to rehab soon, it sounds like you it would do you a lot of good, and get you into the way of recovery. You'd benefit a lot by going, meet people and speak to people who are going through the exact same thing as you. You wouldn't be alone, and it would put you on the path to recovery.
I wish you the best of luck.
xo
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