hey, was wondering if you could help me out with something, im just wondering if people feel of have felt the same way i do...
i have mood swings and si among other bad habits and every week as sunday afternoon approaches (such as now) i have the same battle of do i go to church or not, its just that you could place bets that i feel tearful down and destructive within hours of having to get ready and leave..
i got to a pentecostal church and some weeks i love the worship but days like today and the past few weeks the thourght of going in there to happy clappy people beaming singing and dancing makes me want to crawl into a ball and cry cos i just cant hack it, ive tried going in half way through but feel guilty every time the pastor looks at me when i do i feel about an inch tall.
sometimes i go despite being down but my friends can tell instantly and on many a occasion i have litteraly been pinned against a wall by my mothers friend and prayed for which just makes me feel alienated even more. ive tried giving this up to gods will and will continue too but wouldnt the depression and self harm be leaving just as much at home as it would be at church if its just me praying?
meh, argh and neurgh, 10 minutes till i have to leave if im going to go, im still in my pj's and almost in tears, sometimes i really hate this...