[Snow White.]

Why Won't Someone Save Me? Aimee's Story.
Written 15/4/08.
This content may be triggering.

I wanted to kill myself for three years. For three years straight I wanted to end my life. In fact, this story was written as I am in hospital as an "involuntary inpatient." But my neat handwriting more than makes up for that, right? Right.

Maybe it's a manic phase, but right now I really do see a future for myself. (Which, by the way, being makes held captive even more difficult.) I see myself inspiring and encouraging others and helping people to avoid this shit as much as possible. I would wish this pain on nobody.

So then, why wish it on myself? Why put myself through so much pain that I want to end my life? Life is all we have - it's all we've got. Think of what you can do with life, anything really. Why choose something as irreversible as suicide? It's not like it's fun. In fact it would be very painful whether you succeeded or not. And not succeeding, well, I'm sure you know the horrible injuries you could sustain. But maybe as a 'vegetable' you'd appreciate the life you used to have? Don't wait till then. Start now.

Sounds easy, yeah? Another faceless person telling you to appreciate life. But it's not as if I haven't been there before myself. Remember the beginning of this - I am currently under section, so I know the shuddering pain of depression, how it can feel like it owns every part of you. I know suicide feeling logical and like the solution to all of your problems, and I know that moment you realise self harm is your only friend. And I know picking up the pieces isn't easy.

So then, am I a hypocrite? No. Maybe. I'm not going to deny that the pain isn't real and you'll probably feel like you're in a dark hole. But what I am saying is it needs to be shifted. It's not your fault you are in pain, don't feel guilty. Pain exists all around us everyday; you've probably just got more than your fair share.

When your life has fallen to pieces - or so it feels - what are you expected to do? What do most people do. They hide, avoid, or wait for something to come along and save them. But in reality, the only thing that will ever save you is yourself. And you can do it.

Two examples. The first is myself, standing at a bridge. Expecting the world to recognise I was in pain and I wanted to jump, just waiting for somebody to ask me if I was alright. And nobody came. I climbed the rail and looked down over the edge, and still nobody came to save me. Realising this, I stood down and sat peacefully. For I was saved - by myself.

The second example is one a lot of you shall be able to relate to. I told somebody what was going on with me, with my depression. Such a simple act is the beginning to be saved, and is so empowering. And it's a step you can take yourself.

There is no need to wait for people to notice. Chances are, you are hiding it too well. There is no need for someone to pull you from the bridge when you can step down. The same goes in asking for help. Put your hand up first, and if nobody notices, then put up both hands. You're worthy of having support.

And in realising this, I am nowhere near perfect, but I am able to get the support where I need, and I wish the very same for you all.