Ever since She left on the 6th of May ive been focused on the bad things happening, the hell that im going through. But ive realised thats her thinking not mine, and its time to look at the positives. so im gonna make a list of what ive acheived the past month and a half, instead of what ive lost and what im trying to do
- I havent intentionally hurt myself since she left! That has to be the best achievement
- I'm able to show people I have self worth and I can stand up for myself. Some say this would be a more attractive feature to my boyfriend than what She showed
- I've learnt how to control my emotions to a stronger degree then when I first started
- I've been able to explane the differance between the two of us to my friends
- I'm looking forward to something! thats huge...
- I'm starting college next semester, I'm looking for work, and I'm more dedicated to my boyfriend than I ever could be
- Speaking of being more dedicated, I've realised total submission and putting myself down isn't the best way to show I love him
- I've realised how much I've hurt the people close to me, and while that's not good, I can see it now
- I have a confidence I couldn't have imagined before
- I have a purpous, and while that scares me, I accept it and want to do it
- I feel real, more real than I've felt in years! It's so exciting, to not need to bring myself into reality and remind myself of reality
- I feel a love for my boyfriend that I never felt while she was around. And I know without doubt he loves me. With her I always questioned us both, but this... it is an amazing feeling!
- I don't consider myself 9 years old anymore. I've grown more in these past 6 weeks than most people do in years. Maybe I'm not quite an adult, I don't want to loose my childhood again, but I'm at least 12
- I'm very slowly learning to piece things into sentinces. I've always thought very abstractly, and never had a need to bring my thoughts to fluent speech, be it self harm or how to print a webpage! Anyone whos seen my venting posts has seen the mess they are hehe. But I'm getting there
- I have people I can turn to, and for the most part I no longer feel selfish turning to them
- I'm safe... thats big in itself...
- I've not been able to focus the past few days, but overall I've been able to focus and do more than I have since Tim.
- Despite loosing her I have my experiences that I can use to help others, which has always been something I pride myself in being able to do. Now to get those experiences into words...
- I'm not constantly suicidal. I admit, I've considered it more than once since she left, but I'm not living awaiting death, I have hope for a future
- I'm stronger than I ever thought, and I've learn to argue with her to keep her out
- I'm learning to cope with the nightmares and visions and flashbacks better than I did when this first started, and am begining to be able to function through them again
theres probably more, and I'll add to this list (with any luck I'll be adding to it tomorow night with something..) But I just realised, I've been dwelling on the hell, and theres a lot going wrong, but we rarely think positive about anything, and I think its time to note my achievments
