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one_step_closer · 25-07-2019, 07:00 PM

Thank you all, you are too sweet and/but I love you!

I went to the gym group and went into the gym this time, I tried to go on the treadmill but didn't last long and I was very anxious. I stopped and spoke to the worker and was doing stupid anxious movements. The men were being scary and people weren't safe. I just wanted to disappear. I didn't feel completely real. They were doing circuits outside and I just watched and fidgeted. It was hard to keep on a face.

I did a tiny bit of not good enough self harm. I want to be able to hurt myself in better ways. I have a lot of aches and pains in my knees, legs, back, etc, through not doing my knee exercises and stuff but that's not enough. At the same time I'm worried about the pain getting worse in the future because of my neglect.

I think I saw a family member of my neighbours at their house yesterday evening. I saw their car anyway. The neighbour hasn't replied to my Fb message. Even if I see the neighbours in person and they say they're fine I don't think I could believe them because someone could be manipulating them into saying that. Something is going on. Everyone is in danger. I really wish my CPN was around for me to talk to. I've caused her misfortune though so this is all my doing.

I am so low and alone. There is no one I trust really other than my CPN. I trusted my key but she isn't my key worker any more. No one has said I've been allocated a new key worker. The ward manager was in my dream last night and he said that there were three beds available and I'd be getting one the next day. It's nearly a month I've been waiting now. I am unimportant.

25-07-2019, 07:00 PM	#1470
one_step_closer The Shadow of the Day Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Scotland	Thank you all, you are too sweet and/but I love you! I went to the gym group and went into the gym this time, I tried to go on the treadmill but didn't last long and I was very anxious. I stopped and spoke to the worker and was doing stupid anxious movements. The men were being scary and people weren't safe. I just wanted to disappear. I didn't feel completely real. They were doing circuits outside and I just watched and fidgeted. It was hard to keep on a face. I did a tiny bit of not good enough self harm. I want to be able to hurt myself in better ways. I have a lot of aches and pains in my knees, legs, back, etc, through not doing my knee exercises and stuff but that's not enough. At the same time I'm worried about the pain getting worse in the future because of my neglect. I think I saw a family member of my neighbours at their house yesterday evening. I saw their car anyway. The neighbour hasn't replied to my Fb message. Even if I see the neighbours in person and they say they're fine I don't think I could believe them because someone could be manipulating them into saying that. Something is going on. Everyone is in danger. I really wish my CPN was around for me to talk to. I've caused her misfortune though so this is all my doing. I am so low and alone. There is no one I trust really other than my CPN. I trusted my key but she isn't my key worker any more. No one has said I've been allocated a new key worker. The ward manager was in my dream last night and he said that there were three beds available and I'd be getting one the next day. It's nearly a month I've been waiting now. I am unimportant.
	I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much. Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass. You didn't come this far just to come this far.