Originally Posted by
Disa
You're so welcome, Puck. If my experience can help someone else deal with theirs then I'm glad I could share. The time span makes no difference - it happened and it continues to affect us - sometimes when we least expect it too.
Did shifting my self-hatred work? It didn't and never will cure the memories and pain but it has left me with the peace of knowing it wasn't my fault. I never knew what it was like to have a proper 'first time' with a man and I never knew how to conduct a relationship properly. However, after I had a total hysterectomy there came a waiting period before sex could be resumed and that was the closest I ever came to a first time - not knowing what it was going to be like after my big op. I hope that wasn't too much information? I just want others to know there can be some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. I have a lovely hubby who knows all there is to know and believes in me so I have been lucky there.
However, sexual abuse damages you and the scars run deep and lasting. Some people, I have learned, will turn their backs on you but that's their prerogative. I've had poor relationships with people - often pushing them away if they get too close. I've heard and read comments from people saying that those who are abused go on to abuse. What an awful label! I wouldn't do that and I'm sure you wouldn't either. Like everyone else in society we just want to be loved and valued for being who we are.
Puck, you be kind to yourself when you can. Is there any way you can face your abuser with someone trusted that knows your situation well and will support you? Your MH team shouldn't have shut you up. Your abuser was in a position of trust and should not have done that to you so if you want to report it you should do so without fear of recrimination.
I'm here should you want to talk. xx
Thank you for you honest Disa, you've been helpful beyond words. I want to try and shift some of the blame, I know they did it to me, I didn't choose or consent for that to happen and yet I still blame myself. It's eating me up though, and I've done some real damage these past few months mentally and physically. And I just want to be angry at my perpetrators.
I understand what you mean by pushing people away, I have no connections in my area. I am on a degree course where I have known people for two years and I have let them in, I did try to push them away but they persisted and proved I could trust them. I was Open with them as they see my scars, I am training in traditional acupuncture so we practice finding the points where you put the needles on each other. I don't know how I will explain the recent damage, but I'm hoping to avoid it until September at least. It's one kindness to myself to let me have these friends. I choose what I share though and I feel if I saw them all the time, not once or twice a month it would change, this way it is safe.
I am glad you found your husband and I understand that you feel the first time was taken away from you. It gives me hope I'll be able to cope with a relationship. I haven't had one since the time it happened 10years ago but I feel I would like to try but I do not know where to start with that. I hope one day I will have a man and learn to love properly.
I could not inflict this pain on anyone else, I hate that phrase too, that because we've been abused we do the same.. I think that often it's a self fulfilling prophecy because they have not been shown worth and had that only expectation of them. It makes me sad when it is repeated but I know for sure I could not do what happened to me to someone else.
I have thought of reporting, I've got names, but something stops me. I cannot prove anything. They'll say it's historical that nothing can be done due to lack of evidence. I would like to really put dirt into them then maybe I'll have less shame. That I actually fought back. But it's something I'm processing and thinking through, I do not know what way it will go.
I really appreciate your replies, thank you x