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Old 24-02-2019, 08:34 PM   #1156
The Shadow of the Day
one_step_closer's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

I got my cutting box out but I feel almost paralysed in my ability to self harm. Tired, distant, unreal, just unable. I'm not sure how much I exist in this moment and I especially don't know if other people truly exist. I phoned the informal crisis team and the person I can't talk to answered and I hung up. I would have hung up no matter who it was anyway. I phoned Breathing Space but no one was available. Do real people even exist over the phone? No one can see me but everyone can see me. I feel like I could stand in front of a moving car and I'd be hit but it still wouldn't be real. There are varying levels of reality and I don't firmly exist in any of them. I need to contact emergency personnel. There is no one. The fact that I can't hurt myself physically means I'm ok. If I wasn't too bothered by the cold I'd be as well lying down outside until I decompose. I will get kicked out of my house when I'm taken off benefits anyway. In what form do I exist? How can I reach out when i'm unsure and when telephone contact reinforces disconnection? Tomorrow I have an appointment with my support worker but things will be different then and I can never find the right words anyway. There are no people I can connect to. I am alone.

I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

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