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Old 11-02-2019, 06:37 PM   #1145
The Shadow of the Day
one_step_closer's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Thank you.

I have an appointment with my CPN tomorrow but I have no idea how to get things across to her. No method of communication seems to explain things any more. I can't accurately verbalise this fight and while my emotions are being hidden in appointments it can't be seen.

Nothing is getting better. There are no helpful treatment options and things that do kind of help (self harm) I can't do well enough any more. I will be drowning forever. It is like drowning. I can't swim so have to fight extra hard not to go under and a lot of the time I do go under. I wish I at least had people I could reach out to. I was thinking about how when the police have taken me to A&E I'm usually assessed and told I have plenty of support in the community so I'm sent home. It's like people are saying I should only ever need support during appointed times and because I have appointments I have enough.

I try to phone the informal crisis team or Breathing Space but either no one answers or I hang up when they do. These are actual separate people from me whose actions I can't control so if they wanted to do something that I didn't want them to do, like continue talking or pass me on to NHS 24, then I wouldn't be able to stop them. They will hear what I say and react to it. As weird as it sounds I'm not used to that because at appointments I don't often communicate well enough. I'm too tired for anything that might help also, like making phone calls and persevering, and the negative things too like self harm. It's stupid.

I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

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